


All of Me Loves All of You

by mukedayparade



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Insecure Michael, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Panic Attacks, but luke thinks he's beautiful, michael doesn't like himself, reassuring luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-08 21:56:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3224882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mukedayparade/pseuds/mukedayparade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love your curves and all your edges,<br/>All your perfect imperfections</p><p>or,</p><p>the one where Michael can't bear to look in the mirror and Luke thinks he's the prettiest thing in the world</p>
            </blockquote>





	All of Me Loves All of You

Michael stared into the mirror with nothing but self-loathing in his eyes. He and Luke were supposed to be going out tonight, to some party with Calum and Ashton, but Michael couldn't find anything he didn't look... _disgusting_ in. 

He'd tried on six different shirts and three pairs of pants, but everything made him look fat, or too pasty, or just plain old ugly. Now, Michael knew it wasn't the clothes' fault. They weren't ugly, they looked fine on Luke when he borrowed them; it was him. Michael was repulsive, and he was just hoping that maybe he could find an outfit that hid that a little. How naive he was.

He pulled on yet another shirt, a baggier sweater that would hide his rolls of fat. But when he turned back to the mirror, he merely cringed and turned back away. Sometimes it physically pained him to look at his reflection. 

He let out an exasperated sigh, kicking a shoe that was lying on the floor across the room. Why couldn't he ever be attractive? Why did he have to always be  _the ugly one_? It wasn't fair, he didn't _want_ to look like this. It wasn't his fault.

The 19 year old pulled his phone out of his pocket, running a hand through his faded red hair in frustration. He opened the twitter app, checking his mentions to distract himself. That was not a good move, he should've known that by now. Stupid, he could add that to the list.

A seemingly endless stream of insults flowed through his mentions, punctuated with the occasional  _I love you_ , but he couldn't focus on those. His eyes were drawn to the negative comments.

_Ugly rat_

_You're the ugliest of the band lol_

_i love 5sos but why do they need you???_

_you're gross_

_wash your hair_

_your so ugli lololol_

_ur so fat omfg_

They never ended; every time he refreshed, a new slew of insults came rushing in. He couldn't take it; his head was spinning, he felt sick, he couldn't  _see straight_. It wasn't until he felt a wet spot on his pants that he realized he was crying now, too.

And that was how he ended up curled up into himself on his bed, sobbing into his knees. He couldn't seem to catch his breath, the string of insults stealing the breath from his lungs and the tears from his eyes.

_ugly_

_fat_

_why do they need you_

_gross_

Michael couldn't stop crying, couldn't get air to his lungs. What was wrong with him? He couldn't get himself to calm down; he felt like his chest was closing, he was shaking uncontrollably, and he  _couldn't fucking breathe_. 

He couldn't stop crying either, the tears wouldn't stop pouring out of his eyes. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why couldn't he control himself? Michael didn't know, couldn't even begin to consider answers to the endless questions as he tried and failed to gain control of his body. 

He was disgusting; he was ugly and fat and pale and nothing looked good on him and he _certainly_ didn't deserve Luke. 

Oh God.  _Luke._

Michael began to hyperventilate even further as he realized that his boyfriend would be back so they could leave any minute, and he'd find him like  _this_. Luke had no idea that Michael had these issues with his self esteem, no clue that his own boyfriend hated himself more than any of the people who sent him those comments did. He couldn't let him see him like this, he would break up with him for God's sake. But he couldn't calm down, he couldn't catch his breath or stop the tears or stop  _goddamn shaking_. 

Michael tried to breathe, tried to stop whatever this was, but to no avail. And the realization that he had no way to stop this made him cry  _harder._

"Mikey, are you re-" Luke cut himself off as he caught sight of his boyfriend curled up on the bed shaking and crying.

"I-I-fu-ck," Michael gasped out with the little breath he had in his lungs.

"Michael, what's wrong? Oh my god! Do you need me to call 911?"

"N-n-no! D-don't, pl-ease!"

"Babe, what is it? Are you hurt?"

Michael simply shook his head at that, the little talking he'd been doing using up nearly all his air.

"Michael, what the fuck happened?"

"I-can't, c-can't-"

"Baby, what is it? Jesus, Michael, you're all clammy." Luke was beside him on the bed now, a gentle hand pushing the hair off his forehead.

"Can't-sor-ry-"

"What do you-"

"'M s-so so-rry," the older boy gasped out.

"Honey, for what?"

Michael just shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut as more tears poured out. His chest felt as if it was closing in on itself, and like his ribs had broken and started to pierce into his lungs.

"Michael, what  _is_ it?"

"C-can't b-reathe!"

"Shit, fuck, hold on. Um...stay here!"

Michael would've laughed at the ridiculous statement had he been able to breathe properly.

 

Luke ran into the bathroom, searching for a paper bag. He found one with a few bottles of shampoo in it and promptly dumped it out and ran back to Michael.

"Here, breathe into this." He shoved it into Michael's face, and the older boy uncurled himself and took the bag with his violently shaking hands, proceeding to attempt to breathe into it. 

After a minute, Michael could breathe a little more steadily, so he put the bag down. Tears were still streaming down his face and he hiccuped and shook, not meeting Luke's gaze.

"Michael, what happened, love?" Luke's voice was soft and gentle, like he was talking to a wild animal or an infant.

"I-I-please don't h-hate me!" 

"Sweetie, babe, no, I couldn't ever hate you! Just, please, tell me what happened."

"Nothing looks good on me." He mumbled, wiping at his wet cheeks.

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing looks good on me, Luke! I tried on, like, twenty outfits and all of them made me look fat and ugly and-and, just gross!"

"Michael, where is this coming from?"

"Everywhere! My head, the mirror, twitter, t-"

"What? Twitter?"

"Yeah, everyone knows it and they all tell me! It's true, so it's fine, but-"

"It is  _not_ true, Michael! What the fuck?"

"But it-"

"Michael, Jesus Christ! It isn't fucking true, you're fucking perfect, oh my god!"

The older boy shrunk back, whimpering quietly. He knew Luke would be freaked out by this, and probably think he was insane, but he didn't think he'd  _yell_  at him."

"I-I-sorry!"

"Wha-" Luke stopped himself as he looked up to find the other boy shrunken down in fear, quiet whimpers leaving his lips. Michael's eyes were filled with tears, he was still shaking, and he just looked so  _small_. _  
_

"Michael, oh my-"

"I-I'm so s-orry, Luke! I d-didn't mean t-to think this! I-I-I-"

"Michael, babe, shh, it's okay."

Michael just shook his head, tears spilling down his face. "I'm s-such a f-uck up, I'm s-orry."

"No, shh, you are not. Don't think that."

"It's true, though!  _Everyone_ knows it, and I know that you do too. I don't know why you're with me, I-I-I'm disgusting."

"Michael, stop, fuck. How do you not see how  _gorgeous_ you are? Your eyes, shit, your eyes are stunning. And your lips, I just want to kiss them all the time. Not to mention how pretty you skin is, all pale like it's made of porcelain. And when you smile, goddammit, it blows me away how pretty it is."

"L-Luke, no, that-it isn't true. And plus, I'm so fucking fat. You and Ash and Cal, you're all chiseled and thin and-and-I'm just  _this._ "

"Mikey, you are  _not_ fat. The fact that you could even think that is insane to me."

"I-I  _am,_ though. _Look_ at me, Luke. I'm all soft edges and fat rolls. I'm disgusting."

"You are  _not_ disgusting, baby. You're beautiful. So what if you aren't chiseled and don't have rock-hard abs? I love your softness, and how you feel under my hands. I love how you're cuddly, like a teddy bear or something."

"I don't want to be a teddy bear! Teddy bears aren't hot or sexy, you don't want to fuck a teddy bear!"

"Michael-"

"No! I-I hate myself! I'm disgusting, Luke, can't you see?"

"You aren't disgusting, Michael. You're beautiful." Luke's voice was soft as a fleece blanket, but Michael's was like a piece of glass with tiny cracks all over-able to be shattered with the smallest touch.

"How can you say that when I look like this?"

"Because, you look like this."

Michael just shook his head again, wiping at his eyes as more tears came.

"I'm s-sorry, I just can't."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Michael staring down at his lap and Luke staring down at Michael. Michael was sure that the other boy would be breaking up with him any second, and he could do nothing but stare at the comforter of the hotel bed.

" _What would I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in and you kicking me out_ ,"

Michael glanced up as he heard the melody spill from his boyfriend's lips, the soft and soothing sound of his voice calming him.

" _You've got my head spinning, no kidding, can't pin you down. What's going on in that beautiful mind?  I'm on your magical mystery ride, and I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright._ "

"Luke, I-"

" _My head's under water, but I'm breathing fine. You're crazy, and I'm out of my mind. 'Cause all of me, love all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections. Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning. 'Cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you..._ "

By the time Luke finished the chorus, Michael was crying again, but with a small smile on his face. 

"Luke-"

"Michael, babe, you don't have to love everything about yourself, and I'm not going to try to force you to. But I need you to realize that not everyone sees you the way you do. Most people don't, in fact. Especially me."

The older boy nodded slightly, sniffling and wiping away the moisture on his cheeks as best as he could. 

"'M so sorry, Luke. I don't want to be this way."

"I know you don't, love. You have no reason to be sorry."

The blonde leaned over, pressing his lips to the other's softly. 

"I-I love you, Luke." Michael's voice was soft as he fidgeted with the comforter and kept his head down, but Luke heard the words nonetheless.

Luke grinned, nodding his head. It was the first time they'd said it in a non-platonic way. "I love you too, Mikey."

**Author's Note:**

> okay I hate the ending of this ew but I like the rest please comment and give kudos and share this with people thank you <3


End file.
